Movie Ideas (Part II)

For Antheny Lepere - "If u don't choose life, u may nt choose nything at all!"  [sic]

 

The hits keep on coming this week as Patrick unleashes some movie ideas on an unsuspecting audience (well, unsuspecting apart from everyone who been waiting for me to update for a couple of weeks now).

I think most people are aware of what's wrong with movies nowadays. Well, just this arvo I've rustled up some ideas for some damn awesome movies. Hollywood, Bollywood, Cannes and Cancun, open ye' ears.

Or your eyes. Your choice, but bear in mind there is no sound on this site.

 

 

Movie Idea 1:

Someone's killed his sweetheart and left him a cripple for the last 20 years. But using TECHNOLOGY he has been transformed from a disgruntled failure into a disgruntled half-man/half-cyborg badass, with access to a time machine. He's back, and he's damn pissed.

It won't be easy though, he'll have at least a couple of hundred bad-guy grunts to smoke with cool modern weapons before sweet revenge will finally be his.

Of course, there's no way back to the future for him, so he'll have to save his sweetheart and live happily ever after with her. Him removing the cyborg chip from his shoulder with plyers at the end will be a nice symbolic touch.

 

Movie Idea 2:

Goofy posters like this one will fool unsuspecting women into thinking they're getting a light-hearted romantic romp, where the handsome leading man is at first rebellious and aloof, but ends up under the thumb within a tidy 90 minutes. As soon as they've sat down in the cinema, they'll be regretting it.

Love, Love, Love will feature some of the following changes to the tried and true formula:

• A coherent storyline with believable dialogue and characters. Overall lack of film substance and character development will not be overcome by creation of many sub-plots, the lack of substance will instead be clear for all to see.
• A realistic conclusion where the guy doesn't get the girl by confessing that he really loves her, but was just 'too afraid to tell her before now'. He instead just goes and meets a different girl with lower romantic expectations.
• The comic foil character ends up cutting the main guy's grass. Possible fight scene opportunity here featuring lasers.
• Female lead has unreasonably large breasts, which the female audience will find great difficulty in relating to. They are also on screen for a disproportionate amount of time compared to the actual movie run-time. Men can laugh to themselves as women without fail comment on the fact that they think she's a hussy, but don't really know why.
• No half-assed-half-of-body-exposed 'love' scenes. Just breasts. That's all. No male ass. No Matrix Reloaded here. The way I see it, if you want a sex scene, stop kidding yourself and just go watch porn instead.
• Dramatic 'train leaves station with her on board' scene spoiled after her billowing scarf gets caught under an indifferent train wheel. 'Maybe she was yelling 'stop the train!' for a decent reason', the train driver can muse later.
• Unwashed mullet dude gets the girl instead of annoying gel-haired metrosexual. The female audience is again left confused as to what they should now think about guys.
• A dark and handsome angel character (see poster, chicks love this crap) comes down to help to the female protagonist. It is quickly noted he is actually an angel with a comically large boner (see poster), trying to mask his intentions behind helpful life-advice and possibly a short song.
• Closing scene features female lead cooking a nice dinner for the male lead. Women's rights pushed back 10-15 years.

 

Movie Idea 3:

Tired of horoscopes existing? At the next level of acceptance, being full of shit? Well, how about instead of this, some random horoscope in the paper gave an accurate description of some dude's day, including their horrible supernatural death!?!

The guy can run around trying to find the person who wrote it as more and more stuff that was written for his star sign keeps coming true around him.

Then he suffers a horrible supernatural death.

Cool eh?

 

 

 

Stay tuned movie true believers.

More updates to come.